Rudy’s Espresso Arrogance

May 19, 2024

Sunshine and comfortable temperatures this late-afternoon Sunday here in California’s Central Valley — we’re closing another weekend as 2024 appears to be pounding ahead, it’s hard to believe we’re already nearly halfway through the year. Seems/feels like just this morning was Christmas.

In contrast, today it appeared to be a rarity nowadays — a slow news day. Usually, there’s enough ugly shit to cover a scrolling screen all over, from the MAGA/Trump world to Ukraine to Iran, wherever, whoever, but today seemed a clutch on the happenings cycle. Probably the Iranian president’s helicopter crash the high point impact this evening with side issues playing out on several fronts.

As I floated about the InterWebs this afternoon, apparently feeling another energy-sagging day, I wasn’t planning a post until my roving, burned-out eyeballs caught the latest from sad-sack-piece-of-shit Rudy Giuliani.

In all the Rudy shit since like forever, today’s the first I’d heard about this:

Some details via Talia Jane at The New Republic last Wednesday:

“I’ve moved at a fast pace, and have had many different roles in life,” a quote attributed to the perennially sued former mayor reads. “But the one constant thing has been a good cup of coffee, which is now proven to have health benefits,” the quote reads—because it wouldn’t be a proper conservative grift without fantastically vague claims of “health benefits.”

Offering three varieties of beans to avoid debtors’ prison—“bold,” decaf, and “morning”—the two-pound bags, all named “Rudy,” with Giuliani’s face prominently displayed, sell for $29.99 a pop. According to Whoxy, a domain-registrar lookup tool, Giuliani’s coffee site was registered March 26, just two days before he told a judge he can’t sell his $3.5 million condo because he needs it for his main grift: podcasting.

Strapped for cash and hoping to percolate some excitement for his desperate new venture, Giuliani is offering the first 100 orders the opportunity to snag an A.I.-designed bag signed by the Mussolini of Manhattan himself.

Conservative figures—not including tax, shipping, or cost of the product and branding—estimate Giuliani would need to sell 4,934,978.33 bags of “Rudy” to square up with the $148 million judgment against him stemming from baseless claims he made against two Georgia poll workers in 2020. That doesn’t include any of his other legal fees or pending civil cases against him. For those, he’ll need a hope and a prayer. Or he’ll start selling Rudy-themed Bibles.

And the varieties available:

(Illustration found here.)

Gag me with two-day-old coffee grounds (per CoffeeTalk from last Thursday):

Rudy Giuliani, a former New York mayor, Trump lawyer, and criminal defendant, has launched a coffee sales venture called “Rudy.Coffee” as he grapples with bankruptcy and debt of $148m. The company offers three styles of coffee beans, with the first 100 bags signed by Giuliani and set to begin shipping in June. The bags feature tag lines such as “fighting for justice,” “enjoying life,” and “America’s mayor.” While Trump has chosen to sell sneakers and bibles to cover his legal fees, Giuliani’s former lawyer is selling three coffee types: “bold,” “morning,” and decaf. The bags weigh two pounds each and can be purchased for $29.99.

The site includes a message from Giuliani himself, stating that he has moved at a fast pace and has had many different roles in life, but the one constant thing has been a good cup of coffee, which has now proven to have health benefits. TV doctor Maria Ryan, Giuliani’s girlfriend, also posted an ad for the coffee on X on Tuesday.


In addition to his coffee venture, Giuliani has been indicted for his alleged part in a 2020 election interference plot in Arizona, but prosecutors say he’s nowhere to be found.

Just wait … of course, in air-tight context you know already about this really, really asshole-arrogant episode:


When representatives from the Attorney General’s office arrived, Giuliani was at his 80th birthday party, hosted in Palm Beach by GOP fundraiser Caroline Wren. The bustling event is said to have boasted roughly 200 attendees — a veritable who’s who of the former president’s inner circle, including Trump allies Steve Bannon and Roger Stone.

In a since-deleted post to X in the middle of the celebration, Giuliani taunted: “If Arizona authorities can’t find me by tomorrow morning: 1. They must dismiss the indictment; 2. They must concede they can’t count votes.”

But around 11 p.m. as the festivities wound down for the night, agents from the AG’s office arrived and served Giuliani with indictment papers outside the house, causing several of the guests to express outrage.

Richie Taylor, communications director for the Arizona AG’s office, confirmed that the office finally determined Giuliani’s whereabouts thanks to his nightly live streams on X — an iteration of which he streamed alongside Bannon and Stone during his party shortly before being served.

All weird-ass shit — closing out the weekend with one cover version for Rudy:

A sad-sack tale, or not, yet once again here we are…

(Illustration out front: Pablo Picasso’s ‘Les Deux Saltimbanques: l’Arlequin et Sa Compagne,’ found here.)

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